Ivy Thornton

grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Some wounds don't seem to heal so fast. i still really miss you...

"Keep me rather in this cage, and feed me sparingly, if you dare. Anything that brings me closer to illness and the edge of death makes me more faithful. It is only when you make me suffer that I feel safe and secure. You should never have agreed to be a god for me if you were afraid to assume the duties of a god, and we all know that they are not as tender as all that. You have already seen me cry. Now you must learn to relish my tears."

The fluid sample from his lungs didn't show anything. I take him in on Monday for a thrasic ultra sound which will hopefully give us an answer. Its fustrating from doing blood work, xrays, and a fluid sample and still not finding out whats going on. She thinks it could be a mass or heart desies. possibly an infection but that's least likely. I really don't know if Im going to be able to fix whats wrong when we find out. After Monday it will be $1000 that I have spend on him this week. Working on applying for credit cards this weekend.

So things aren't really looking up for Arnold. I thought the xrays would give us the answer to whether it was a fungal infection or asthma but its nether and only makes us think he might have a worse condition. His lung was deconpressed from the fluid which makes me sad. They tried to drain some of it but most is settled between his heart and lungs. They think its a tumor or infection. I will find out Saturday. Its fustrating. I just want him to be ok. i don't really know what to do if he ends up needing surgery I already spent over $600 on him in this week alone. I need to find more modeling gigs and Im going to finish up the rest of the marketing sites tonight.

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http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php

Im super stiff in my chest, arms, and shoulders today. I really want to go to the gym tonight but might just go home and relax. I really just want a shoulder rub and then to take a bath.

I dont think people understand that I need to write stuff out sometimes when Im upset instead of holding it in. I have a great fucking life just things are a little ruff right now. My writing might be neagitive at time but I need to get stuff out. Plugs make me happy. I love pushing my body.

god I fucking hate waiting on shit. Waiting on people. Waiting on test results. Waiting for food to cook. Waiting for my body to change from the gym. Im so fustrated and pissed. I dislike alot of things at the moment. I really could go for a beating. Take my mind off of this. Drift of into space.

*end ranting

Well I still might get better with poly but I still need to find my own primary...This part makes me sad not having one but I know finding a good primary takes time. I just get sad because I have two boys but they have there own primary so it isn't necessary dead ends it just reminds me I need to keep looking.

Spent pretty much the money I had save up on Arnold today. Being responsible for another life is difficult at times.

I think I forgot how to spend time alone since I have being hanging out with friends a lot. It weird to feel lonely when I normally wouldn't.

I'm scared to because I was pretty much over you and then you started following through again and now I'm scared to let my guard down. That brick wall I like to put up....I want to push you away but I really want to enjoy what we have.

On another note was playing last night and pup help me get my medium plug in. So happy for that. think I will go work on that and get my mind off of thinks. Fuck its cold in here.

Maybe some people like drama filled relationships but its not for me. I remeber being in one because I thought I couldnt find better but have moved on from that. I want a relationship where both people benifet and are happy for the majority. Maybe its a fairy tale but I will find it.

I need to start shooting more. I haven't shoot in over a month.

The phones at work have been broken for over a week and I haven't made bounus in a month. Getting kind of burned out of this job.

I'm sure for most people its not but for me it was weird to have a boy spend the night in my room. Nice but still weird. So used to sleeping alone or at his house. Im curious to see where things go with this one. Brought the boy with me to watch my friend spin Wed night which was fun. It was nice to dance with him. I got to lose my strap on virginity!!! Yay that was even more fun.

Poly is still so fucking weird to me. I think I'm starting to understand it better. Its hard when all your life they pound Monogamy in to your brian.

I think Arnold is having coughig fits or trouble throwing up. Im taking him into the vet tomorrow to have it check out, get a mini panel on his blood work, and a urinalysis to check up on him kidney disease. My moms kitty past away which really made me sad.

Things were really going but have seemed to slow down a bit. Kind of nice. Early Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow with my friends which should be a blast.

http://natalieshau.carbonmade.com/

My back has be killing me. The Doctor gave me muscle relaxers but I can only take them at bed time which does no help for me because its worse when I'm stuck at my desk all day so I am calling him tomorrow. Might ask for physical therapy so I can have a Doc use the a tens pad unit or might just buy one. Going to the gym tonight but probably taking it easy since my back is bad. Should take a bath tonight too. Trying to figure out what to do with my old computer.

Had a good weekend

ummm so fucking yummy

Nakkid juice and breakfeast bar in the morning. Salad, fruit, and stuffed fake chicken for lunch. All I want for dinner is a crunch wrap suprem and ice cream. It amazes how your body gets addicted to crap food. Its hard to fight the cravings but its better for my health and makes it easyer to stay toned. Not that I don't kije junk food every now and then it just needs to not be a main part of my diet.

I hate how distant my sister is. I think Im done asking to get together on the holidays. She doesn't even make an effort any more. I think its dumb how she would get mad at dad for not trying when she does the same things. I also think its kind of dicked how she said she couldn't go to visit grandpa for xmas because she was having her surgery during that time and then goes and has it last week. I dont know maybe Im just being an ass but I though family was supose to mean something. Understand sergurys a big deal but I think its dumb when we live 10 mintues away from each other and have only seen each other 3 times this year.

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I don't know if I have mentioned it but next 4-6 month goal is to be self-employed with moedel and sessions for my income. 1 month goal is to have my business license in the works.